Words Of Wisdom

I stumbled across this article as I was doing my usual morning routine of 1)coffee 2)check email 3)browse msn for eleventy seven minutes, and I just had to share it with you guys.  Because I love you and I love what this article had to say to us Moms of the universe.

I'm not usually or ever an advocate for reading the mom articles or listening to the mom 'experts' on the boob tube because, quite frankly, they suck at life and if anything they tend to make us feel like even bigger failures than we already do because we aren't doing what's considered 'right' in their minds.  That's a bunch of shit.

Here is the link for the whole article but since I know most of you are lazy assholes like me I picked out my favorite little blurbs to share with you.  They should also be your favorite little blurbs because I said so, and I'm always right.  Just ask Josh.

Trust your gut.

What do your mother, your best friend, your pediatrician, your boss, and the parenting-book author on the Today show have in common? None of them knows your child better than you. Their insights can be helpful, but no one else -- except maybe for Dad -- gets the nuances of your child's needs the way you do. A child's parents are the best people to make the final call about what's right for him. You're putting in the time, and every day you're learning more and more about what makes your child tick. So believe in yourself.
Look out for #1.

Being selfish can be good. By putting "me" time on the priority list -- whether it's through exercising or spending hours painting -- you'll help your kids see you as a whole person. They'll learn how important it is to take care of themselves, too. It also shields them from the pressure of being everything to you. So ditch your guilt and line up some support so you can pursue some of your own interests and ambitions. You'll feel more energetic, you'll be more fun to be around, and you'll love being a mom even more.

And, my absolute favorite line of the whole article is what I've been trying to tell you guys all along....

Rather than trying to live up to your own -- or anyone else's -- idea of what a "good mom" is, embrace the mom you are. She's even better!

Preach on.

Also, Xanax would probably help me be a happier more relaxed and zen Mom.

Jus' sayin'

A Little Hair Experiment

Since I've been spending most of my free time....at work....watching makeup and hair tutorials on Pinterest I decided to try one of them out.

And take pictures.

And blog about it.  Hooray!

Operation Make My Hair Beautiful

Phase One: Stop shampooing as often - check
Phase Dos: Jump on the MoroccanOil bandwagon - check
Phase Three: Win the lottery and have enough money to hire a professional hair stylist to live with me and make me beautiful every day.

Anyfollicle.

I stumbled upon the "beachy look" and I about peed from it's awesomeness.  I figured this was a look I could pull off since my hair already has a natural wave (actually it's more like a super awful impossible to manage kink but I'm feeling 'glass half full' today).

Exhibit A - what my hair looks like at the end of the day after doing nothing to it.

That, my friends, is quite yucky.

Exhibity B - Homemade "beach spray" found via Pinterest.  I'm an asshole and have a super hard time following directions so I found a couple recipes and picked my favorite ingredients and came up with my own home brew.

Empty spray bottle
One cup water
Some Sea Salt
A squirt of Gel
A couple pumps of Oil
Woodchuck - optional but highly recommended - for consumption, not to put on your hair, but you guys knew that, right?
Shakeity shake shake and spray on hair

I then sectioned my hair into five sections and twisted it into five little buns and hung out for awhile.

Exhibit C -

I give it a 4.9999999 out of 5

Exhibit D -



This is how Alexa's hair turned out.  Yeh, I'm jealous too.

I slept in it and just spritzed some more on in the AM and am super happy with the results.  Not as curly as the night before but not as stupid as when I do nothing to it.

Rock on.

Thoughts?  Suggestions?  Complaints?  Feel free to keep those to yourself.

Peace out.

Is There Such Thing As A Good Hair Day?

I have really bad hair.  It's mostly my fault because as long as I can remember I have been perming, then straightening, then coloring, then bleaching, then turning it pink, then highlighting/lowlighting/moonlighting and all that jazz.

Since I got bored making wreaths and I've seen every show on HGTV and DIY network twice I decided I needed a new hobby.

That's when Operation Make My Hair Beautiful Again was born.

My last haircut I decided I wasn't going to get any color put in to it.  After I stopped hyperventilating and picked myself up off the ground I proceeded to make an appointment.

I told her to cut enough off to make it semi healthy again.

The bitch cut, like, 6 inches off.

I might have cried a little.

My next step was to ask google A LOT of questions about repairing damaged hair.

Google said to put eggs and mayonnaise in it.

Yeh, I didn't do that.

So then I diligently searched the aisle's of every store (just Target) in a 50 mile radius looking for products that promised results.  I also took the snobby approach and bought the expensive ones since, hey, you get what you pay for.  Right?

Yeh, that didn't work either.  Most creams and oils just made my hair look really greasy and didn't do much as far as repair.

Then I did what I should have done in the first place and asked Pinterest.

Pinterest said don't shampoo every day and use MoroccanOil.  I was a little leary of drinking the MoroccanOil Kool-Aid since nothing else has ever worked for me and I'm lazy and cheap.  If I can't get it at Target I probably won't get it at all.

You guys.  This stuff works.  My hair is shinier and softer and awesomer and I've only used it a couple times.

But guess what! I don't have a picture for you so you're just gonna have to take my word for it.

I'll keep you posted.  I know you care.

That's All She Wrote

Alright you guys.

I sat down today to write some sort of craptastic blog post because contrary to popular belief and what this here blog has been saying lately (obviously not a whole lot) I do want to continue blogging simply because I apparently have one creative neuron? proton? atom? floating around in my brain that needs a creative outlet.

This just in - I am a giant idiot.

Also, I like it.  I still think of things daily that I would like to write about.

On the other hand, it had become a chore to me so I walked away from it.  I'm not really one to do something if I don't enjoy it or if it feels like work to me when it's my choice to do it.

Also, I suck at writing and translating my weird thoughts into intelligible written words.

Obvs.

Also, I feel like a hypocritical asshole writing this because who am I to think that you really care about all this?  I write for me, not for you.  Mostly.  Fine 50/50.

So anyways, here's to hoping I show up here a little more often in the near future and here's to hoping you aren't too drunk to read what I write.

Cheers.

That One Time I Boarded A Plane With One Tiny Terrorist One Angel And One Giant Baby

Writing this through my perspective would go something like this:

*Dear God: Please make them all stop whining OR magically make a cocktail of Xanax and vodka appear in my hand right now.*

Avery and Alexa's would be something along the lines of: *Dear God: Please get Mom a vodka before she starts hyperventilating and/or murder's Dad with her laser eyes.  And please tell Santa we want a Barbie dream house.  Kthx.*

While we're at it, Josh's perspective would most likely be: *Dear God: Please watch over my cows while I'm gone, man I wish we weren't going on this trip because now I have to miss deer hunting and beer drinking and all the awesome things that make my world go round.  Oh crap, gotta go, Teisha's getting hog tied by Avery who is attempting to take over the world.  I should probably help.  Meh, I'm having fun sitting here dreaming about home.  Amen*

Yeh, so, anyplaneticket.

We went on a trip that involved missing our first plane out of town (Delta called and said they weren't going to leave until 8 AM but then still left at 6:30 AM and apparently it's our fault for not being there at the scheduled departure time.  Lesson learned.  Delta = Doucheholes.)

It also involved a layover in Detroit where Avery found her true love: the moving walkway.

OMG Mom this is amazing we can go back and forth and back and forth and back and forth and back and forth and back and forth and back and forth and back and forth and back and forth and back and forth and back and forth for, like, ever.  I can also stand right in the way of all eleventy thousand people trying to get on the walkway because it's so fun trying to master the fine art of getting on it without falling over.  So. much. fun.

Avery, it's time to get back on the plane.

WHY DO YOU HATE ME!?  I DON'T EVER WANT TO LEAVE!  NOOOOOOO, I WILL KICK AND SCREAM UNTIL YOU LET ME REUNITE WITH THE MOVING WALKWAY.  I LOVE YOU MOVING WALKWAY!  I'LL NEVER FORGET YOU!  Oh, Lion King is on.  Awesome.

Avery, we have to turn 'all electronics into the off position' for take off or the plane could crash into a firey heap of steel and cushions that double as floaties and you don't want that on your conscious.

ARE YOU SERIOUS?! I CAN'T EVEN BELIEVE THE INJUSTICE OF THIS WHOLE EFFING TRIP.  I'M TOTALLY GONNA SUE SOMEBODY BECAUSE THIS IS JUST SOOOOO UNFAIR.  Oh, a starburst.  Thanks, Mom!

Thank you baby Jesus for Alexa being such an angel throughout this whole process.  I couldn't have made it through without that blessing disguised as the cutest five year old on the planet.

Anyanxietyattack.

We made it in one piece and had a nice time with Josh's family doing the whole Christmas thing and sightseeing thing and swimming thing.

Side note - Did you know Pittsburgh doesn't sell alcohol on Sunday's?  Yeh, us neither.  That was a real fun discovery at 8:00 Sunday night when all I wanted was ONE BEER OMG IS THAT TOO MUCH TO ASK FOR?

The ride home went about the same as the ride there.  I almost slapped a Delta bitch when she called me out for giving Avery M&M's at 8 in the morning.

Yeh, she's been up for four hours already and is completely frazzled and just ready to be home.  It's M&M's or possibly get kicked off the plane with an unruly toddler.  Fuck off you judgey bitch.  Merry Christmas and Happy New Year to you.

And then, there was a BIRD! INSIDE!

Mom, can we touch it?

No.

Why not?

Because it's obviously sick if it's just walking around chilling out in an airport for crying out loud.

I want to feed it.

No.

Avery had had enough and passed out on the second leg of the trip home.  Thankfully.  For her sake and for mine.

I still don't know which would be the lesser of two evils: a 15 hour car ride with two people that would complain the entire time, (those two people being Josh and Avery in case you were wondering) or the plane craziness.

Probably the plane.

Apparently This Is How I'm Gonna Make A Blog Comeback

The other day Josh sat me down and broke some very serious news to me:

"I want a boy."

My response:

"No."

This is the closest he'll get.

A farm girl with butterflies on her shirt.

Awesomesauce.

In related news - I turned 30 and the world didn't stop turning (shocking!) but I am now over the whole 'we're too young to do anything permanent about the whole fact that my uterus is still working' so I plan to make an appointment for him to lose some of his manhood.  Aaaand my uterus will still work.

Winning.

Shit I've Been Doing Besides Blogging

Painting the wood paneling and then ceiling because who knew? it was dirty and brown like everything else in that room

Making eleventy hundred felt flowers with Alexa

To make a wreath.

Putting pumpkins and fake flowers in my fireplace because that's what the cool kids are doing nowadays

Putting candy corn in mason jars and calling it decoration

Making yet another wreath with Alexa because she likes making things and apparently I do too.



Putting this fabric



on these chairs



someday soon

Painting, not carving, pumpkins

Playing in leaf piles

Throwing terrified kitties in to leaf piles

And last, but certainly not least.  What's more annoying than watching Max and Ruby on TV?

Watching Max & Ruby on stage.